Restless Nightmares
by demonbloodgirl
Summary: Is Eli seeing things, or are the hallucinations something much deeper than mere memories? ElixClare.
1. Why now?

Restless Nightmares-Chapter One.

Julia was everywhere.

In my dreams-and my nightmares. Her voice was the background noise in my everyday life. I struggled to push the thoughts of her away, but they continued to haunt me, like a restless spirit on a quest to find peace. She was there when I woke up, and there when I went to sleep. I wanted to tell Clare, or my Dad. I wanted to tell someone, anyone, that I could still feel her. I was afraid. Afraid that Clare would think I wasn't over her. I couldn't explain why Julia was on my mind. I loved Clare, and losing her would be the death of me. It was a battle with myself that I fought constantly. Should I tell her and worry her? Or keep it to myself? I pushed all my restless thoughts away as I climbed into my hearse.

It was 11:00 am on a Saturday morning, and I had promised Clare we would drive out to the lake. As I pulled out of the driveway, a flash of jet-black hair caught my eye. I did a double-take and quickly put my eyes back on the road. It was just a cat, or maybe a fast kid, I told myself. I continued to pull out of my driveway and out onto the road. I popped my favorite Dead Hand CD into my player, and turned the music up to a medium level. I suddenly turned down the CD and listened intently. I couldn't be hearing this. "Eliiiiiiiiiiii…" It was soft at first, but then it seemed to grow louder.

"Eliiiii…." It became more urgent and I was possessed with the desire to find out where it was coming from. I pulled over onto the side of the road, and turned to look at the back seat. Nothing was there. But still, the whisper persisted.

"Eliiiiiiiiiii…." I turned back towards the road, intent on ignoring what had to be my overactive imagination. I finished the drive to Clare's house, and was relieved by the fact that I heard the voice no more.

I honked the horn and waited on Clare to come out. As the front door opened, and she ran down the steps, I smiled to myself. How did I get so lucky? Clare opened the door of the hearse and smiled her shy smile at me. Even after three months of dating, she still blushed at the slightest things.

As she sat down next to me, she placed her hand on my leg and softly said, "I've missed you."

"I've missed you, too." I said.

Our two week break had been a nightmare. We were only able to text and talk on messenger when she was at her Grandmother's. I didn't know how much longer I could go without hearing her voice. I spent a little time with Adam over the break, but wherever I went, and whatever I did, Julia continued to follow me. As we were driving in silence, I thought back to the last time Adam and I had spent time together.

"_Eli! Eli! What are you doing?"_

_ I heard Adam's voice, but it seemed distant, and far off, like he was yelling at me from the other side of a football stadium. I heard my name, called softly, and I began walking towards the sound. Her voice was like a siren song, calling me to my death. Adam's worried cries were far off in the distance. I was completely alone now. The forest enveloped me on all sides. The trees swayed softly in the slight October wind. As I followed the voice, I came across a small cemetery. It looked like it hadn't been mowed in years, and the headstones were beginning to fall apart. There, directly in front of me, was a girl. She was tall, with black hair that curled to her shoulders. She had on a white dress, with a small blood stain towards the top. She was beautiful. She opened her mouth, and that was when I realized it was her who had been calling my name._

_"Eliiii…" she breathed. I looked down at the headstone near my feet and read the name engraved on the old stone. _

_Julia Anderson, Born: 1993, Died: 2010. I gasped and looked up again at the girl standing in front of me. _

_"Julia!" I called out. The girl did not answer. I reached out to her, but when I grabbed her hand, I grabbed nothing but air. _

_"Julia..." I whispered. By the time I had blinked again, she had vanished. _

_"I'm sorry…" I whispered, but my apology was carried away by the wind, and she was no longer standing in front of me. _

_Suddenly, Adam appeared before me. He was out of breath like had had just run a mile. I opened my mouth to explain, but as I looked down at the tombstone, I saw the name again. Only this time it didn't say Julia Anderson. It said Beth Oliver. I swore I had just seen Julia's name, clear as day across the stone. But it couldn't be! She was buried down the road from her home, at a Church Cemetery. _

My flashback was interrupted by a concerned shake from Clare.

"Eli..Are you alright?" she asked softly.

I looked into her eyes, and suddenly my entire body began to shake. I screamed and jerked the hearse into the closest driveway. I wasn't looking into Clare's beautiful baby blue eyes, but the green emerald eyes of Julia's.


	2. Unwell

When I awoke, everything was black. The blinds had been drawn in the room, the door was closed, and the lights were off. I searched my brain for any piece of what had happened before I fell asleep. As I slowly awoke, I remembered. Driving. Flashbacks. Clare's face, etched with worry. I had flashbacked. I was over-tired, that was it. I hadn't been getting enough sleep. Nothing to worry about, I told myself. I sat up and reached for my phone.

Bzzzzz!

I looked down at it to see the new text message icon.

New Text From Clare: How are you feeling?

I smiled at her thoughtfulness and replied. "Better, but a little confused about everything that happened."

New Text From Clare: I'm on my way over, I'll explain everything then.

I stepped out of bed and flicked on the lights. I changed into my favorite black skinny jeans, and my Dead Hand t-shirt. Just as I finished pulling the shirt over my head, there was a knock on my bedroom door.

"Come in!" I yelled.

Clare opened the door and smiled at my messy, slept on hair. I pulled her into a soft hug and kissed the top of her head.

"Eli..you scared me so bad today!" she said.

"I know, I don't really even remember what happened, to be honest." I said.

"You blacked out on the way to the lake, so I called your Dad, and he took you home. You awoke for a few seconds to crawl into you're bed, and then you slept for 5 hours!" she said.

"Wow.. I remember having a flashback..and seeing.." I started to say.

"Seeing what?" Clare inquired.

"Nothing. I just flashbacked to something Adam and I did awhile back." I finished quickly.

I didn't want to worry Clare anymore than she already was. But a small part of my subconscious nagged me saying, _You saw her. You saw Julia. She's here._

I pushed the thoughts away and leaned down to kiss Clare lightly on the lips.

"How about that lake trip today?" I asked.

"I think you need some rest. How about we watch movies?" She said.

"Fine with me, as long as I don't have to watch another chick flick." I said, and Clare giggled and playfully hit my shoulder.

I really didn't care what we watched, as long as she was snuggled up against me for the entire night.

As we layed down on the couch to settle in for the movie, I remembered that I had forgotten to ask Clare what we were watching.

"What have you picked out, love?" I asked her.

"It's a surprise!" she giggled.

As the opening credits of the movie began to roll, my palms began to sweat. The movie..it couldn't be.. but it was. It was Moulin Rouge.

Julia's favorite movie.

"_Eliiiiiii…."_

The voice, I heard it clear as day. I focused my eyes on Clare's face as she watched the first few minutes of the movie. As Christian and his typewriter flashed across the screen, my mind was flooded with memories. Our first kiss. Our last kiss. Our first dance. Our one year anniversary.

_This was our movie Eli! How could you watch this with her? _

I turned my head wildly, looking for the source of the voice. There was no one in the room but Clare and I. I quickly sat up and Clare sensed my alarm. She got up from the couch and turned to look at me with a confused expression on her face.

Before she could say anything, I saw what I had refused to believe just hours earlier.

Julia stood before me. But this time she didn't look beautiful. She looked scary. Her beautiful features were twisted into an angry snarl, and she wore not a white dress, but the very outfit she had worn the night she died.

"_Eli…." _Her voice came out strained, like she had a sore throat.

I blinked rapidly, but the image didn't fade. Julia stood before me, and sadness and anger was flowing from her like a river flows after a long rainfall.

"Julia…I didn't know..I didn't know…" I kept repeating, hoping that somehow the words would come out easier.

I knew Clare was shaking me, but my body was numb. When I finally came too, Clare was leaning over me on the couch, with tears silently streaming down her face.

"Clare..what's wrong?" I whispered softly.

"Eli..you were.. talking to her. To Julia. You kept saying, you didn't know."

"What didn't you know?" she asked, as the tears continued to stain her cheeks.

"I..I..saw her. She was there. Didn't you see her? I'm not crazy Clare, I know she was there. She was talking to me, she was angry..and sad." I said quickly.

Clare looked even more confused, and the tears began to fall at a quicker pace.

"Eli..is everything alright? Have you taken any drugs or anything?" she asked.

"No, Clare, you know me better! I swear she was here! I saw her. I really did. She told me that Moulin Rouge was OUR movie and I shouldn't be watching it with you." I said.

I regretted it instantly when Clare's face changed from worry to pure hurt.

"Clare..I..that's just what she told me." I said.

"Eli..you still love her, don't you?" she asked softly.

"No, Clare, I love you, only you. But I don't know why Julia is talking to me. I can't explain it. But I know she's there. I can feel it, see it, I can smell her perfume." I said.

"Eli..she's not here." Clare said softly.

She silently took my hand and held it in hers.

"You're shaking…" she said.

I looked down to see not just my hands, but my entire body trembling.

"Clare, you have to believe me!" I nearly shouted.

"Eli..I don't think I can.." she said slowly.


	3. Messed

The shrill tone of the alarm sounded and woke me out of my deep sleep. I internally cursed the alarm, and felt around my dresser, looking for the snooze button. A thought silently occurred to me.

It was Monday. I had school.

I didn't want to face Clare. After I had my breakdown during the movie, she had picked up her bag and left without another word.

"_Eli..I don't think I can."_ Rang through my head.

She thought I was still in love with Julia.

I felt absolutely terrible. I was sure I was over her. I had barely thought about her since I met Clare until all of a sudden. It seemed like after everything with Fitz, that was when I started feeling her around me constantly.

_I wasn't crazy. I couldn't be.._

I began tapping my foot and thinking of all the possible ways I could have seen Julia. A ghost? No, I would have felt cold spots, or something. If she was a ghost it seems that Clare would have sensed her too.

Suddenly, I remembered some of the conversations I used to overhear between my parents.

"_There's no gurantee he won't inherit it..schizophrenia runs in our family."_

**Schizophrenia.**

The word sounded in my head like a bomb exploding.

Could I be developing schizophrenia?

But why now? Why all of a sudden?

Another conversation sounded in my head.

"_Don't be surpised if we start seeing him show signs soon..you know trauma brings these things on..and after everything with Fitz…"_

I still wasn't convinced. My parents may be, but I wasn't. I guess there was only one way to find out. I had to see a Psychiatrist. Then maybe I could come up with some kkind of logical answer as to why I was seeing Julia. Then Clare would understand, and believe me. She had to. Because If I had schizophrenia, and it was really inherited, it couldn't be my fault. But Clare's words that were spoken to me just last year sounded in my head.

"_Whatever Fitz does to you, you deserve it!"_

But did I really deserve this? A mental illness?

Clare couldn't have meant it that way. But still, the thought lingered. I tried to tell myself she would understand, but deep down, I wasn't so sure.

Why do things always have to go wrong? When Julia died, I thought I would never be happy again. But after I met Clare, I felt whole. Like the pieces Julia took from me when she died were finally being filled in by someone else. But now I feel like those pieces Clare filled were just temporary, a filler. I felt that maybe this was my punishment, that I would find love, and it would always be taken away. I had wanted this to the one thing in my life that could be permanent.

"_You're messed, Eli."_

You're right Clare. More right than you ever knew.


	4. Confrontation

After everything that I had thought about that morning, my mind certainly wasn't ready for school. I couldn't focus at all. My thoughts flickered through everything had had happened the past few days.

Before I had left for school this morning, I had decided that the second I got home I would confront Mom about our families' disease history. It was the only way I was going to get the answers I so desperately needed.

These answers could seal my fate or save my future. Personally, I hoped it was the second option.

I hadn't heard from Clare since the day she left my house. She occasionally caught my eye in the hallway or when we we're at our lockers. I desperately wanted to tell her I was sorry. I wanted her to tell me that she knew what I was going through, that she loved me, and that she wasn't going to leave my side until I figured out what was wrong. But I knew that was too much to ask anyone. I tapped my pencil on the desk as I racked my brains for some way to prove to Clare that I wasn't still grieving over Julia.

"Eliiiiiiiii!"

The voice startled me so bad that I jumped out of my desk, only to knock it over and send my papers flying all over the classroom. When I looked up to find out who had scared me so bad, all I saw was 20 curious faces and one very shocked teacher.

"Eli! What are you doing!" Miss Oh asked.

"I..thought I heard someone yell my name.." I stuttered.

The class began to laugh and snicker. Miss Oh looked confused and a little worried.

"Is everything all right Eli?" she asked.

"Yes, I must have just been hearing things, I'm fine, but thanks for asking." I managed to stutter out.

I know I didn't look convincing, because I sure didn't feel it. I still felt my hands quivering from the shock of the voice.

I quickly gathered up my things and fixed the desk. Whispers sounded all around me. I knew the rumors would being to fly now. So much for convincing Clare. At this rate, she was going to think I was psychotic.

When the final bell rang, I grabbed my book bag and ran into the hall. Being the total spaz I apparently now was, I almost ran directly into Clare.

"Clare..I'm sorry, I didn't see you." I said while avoiding her beautiful crystal blue eyes.

"It's okay." She whispered, and hurriedly brushed past me into the classroom.

I watched her walk into the classroom and sit in her seat. As she sat down, I saw one small tear had escaped and was sliding down her cheek. As much as I wanted to comfort her, I knew that was not the smartest option right now.

I walked out into the parking lot and got into Morty. I was headed home, because my parents had some serious explaining to do.

As I pulled into the driveway, my anxiety about the whole situation began to escalate. My hands started to shake and my heartbeat was suddenly doing double time.

I opened the door and saw my parents sitting on the couch, obviously waiting for me.

"We need to talk, Eli." My dad said.

"I know." I said.

They looked nervous, so I knew this had to be about my possible mental disease.

I sat down on the floor and looked up at them, waiting for them to begin.

"Eli..Miss Oh called us today. She's worried about your behavior in school. She isn't the only one. Clare called us too. They are both really worried and think you should see a Doctor."

"Mom..I'm not crazy!" I felt a sudden burst of anger rise in me, and as much as I tried to cover it, it burst inside me like an angry demon.

"I don't understand why nobody believes me! My girlfriend,my teacher, my friends, even my parents. What is it what you want? Do you want me locked up or something? You're going to get your wish. That's exactly what they will do." I screamed.

"Eli! Calm down!" My father said loudly.

"Eli, we love you, and we're concerned. We just want to make sure everythings all right. Please go, just to rule it out?" my Mom said softly.

"Fine. I'll go. But if they find nothing wrong, you'll believe me right?" I said.

"Yes, we will. Your appointment is tomorrow at 4:00." Dad said.

I couldn't believe this. Just a few days ago, everything was perfect. Now I was seeing my dead ex-girlfriend everywhere I went, and everyone I loved was convinced I was crazy. I didn't WANT to be crazy. I know there was a possibility I could be.. but it just didn't seem real to me. It was like living in a nightmare, one that wasn't mine, and one that I wasn't sure I could ever wake up from.

That night, I dreamt of Julia. When I woke, I swore I could feel her cold fingers still lingering on my skin. I rubbed my hands over the goosebumps on my arms.

"Eliii…I…loveee..you…" whispered softly in my ear.

My blood ran cold. I looked up, and as usual, no one was there. I tried my hardest to block out the incessant whispers that came to me throughout the night.

By the time morning came, I had gotten very little sleep, and my eyes were bloodshot. My appointment was today, and with the way I looked, the doctor was going to commit me with one look.


	5. Together

I went to bed that night scared.

I wasn't sure if I would even be able to sleep, my mine was too full of tomorrow's Psychiatrist appointment. My parents had told me they would come in with me, or let me do it alone. I chose to do it alone. I didn't really want to. In all reality, I wanted Clare there holding my hand, reassuring me that I had one constant thing left in my life. But I knew the harsh reality. I had nothing. Everything that made me who I was, was crumbling. I was becoming someone new. I was becoming unstable, and volatile. I was becoming something the school whispered about. I knew in just a few hours I was going to be my parent's best kept secret and my girlfriend's biggest mistake. As I thought about all of this, I was shaken out of my reverie to my phone buzzing.

**New Text From Clare: Eli, I know things have been rough lately, for you and for me..and most of all, for us. I don't care if you still love Julia, I want to help you through whatever this is you're going through. I'll be honest, in the beginning I didn't believe you, but I heard about what happened today. I called your Mom and she told me everything. I just wanted to tell you that I'm not leaving. I can't. I love you too much for that. I'm coming to that appointment with you tomorrow, and we're going to face this together.**

I breathed a huge sigh of relief. This didn't solve anything, but it lessened my stress. I didn't know how long Clare would truly stick around if I was really schizophrenic, but for now it was enough to comfort me. I fell into a long,deep sleep and I awoke to my Mom shaking me awake. She had tears streaming down her face, and I sat up quickly, thinking the . Dad. Adam.

"Mom..is everyone alright? What is it?"

"Eli, you were screaming in your sleep." She said.

"What was I saying?" I asked sleepily.

"You kept screaming I didn't kill you Julia! over and over." She said softly.

"I..I..I don't even remember.." I started to say.

But then I suddenly did. My dream came back to me with vivid clarity.

_I was running. Always running. The road seemed to stretch on forever until I finally reached my destination. The destination was always the same. A small dark stain in the road, fading from all the use of the road. I bent down to examine the stain closer. It was a deep ruby color, and from a distance it looked simply like paint. But I knew it was blood. I felt her before I saw her. Julia was standing in front of me, her hair blowing in the wind. The memories from our last night together flashed across my eyes._

"_Why am I seeing you, Julia?" "Why now?" I asked her softly._

"_Eli…you killed me." Her voice was raspy and quiet, and I had to strain to listen._

"_I didn't kill you Julia..you left, angry and didn't think. We we're both being irrational. I loved you. How could I hurt someone I love so much?" I nearly screamed._

_She was fading fast, but I could see her lips still moving, forming the words I couldn't bear to hear._

"I..I..I dreamed of her Mom, I can't explain it. She was there, and gone. She never stays. But she's always here, and I can't tell if it's reality or not."

"Eli, you're staying home today until your appointment. I don't think it's best you go to school."

"But Mom! It was just a dream!" I yelled.

"Eli, it wasn't JUST a dream. This isn't your first delusion, and have you looked at your arms?" she pointed to my upper arms.

There, along the insides of my upper arms were neat,pink lines.

"I must have scratched myself Mom, it's no big deal!" I said harshly.

"Eli, when I woke you up, you were almost tearing your skin off." She said.

"Eli, your sick, and this needs to be taken care of before you hurt yourself or someone else." She said.

I couldn't even wrap my mind around the events of the past two days. I needed to see Clare. I picked up my phone and texted her. A few minutes later I got a response.

**New Text From Clare: I'm checking out now. I'll be at your house in a few.**

As I impatiently waited for Clare, I decided to get up and take a shower.

Thirty minutes later there was a knock on the downstairs door, followed by my Mom's yell of "Eli, Clare's coming up!"

A few minutes later Clare appeared in my doorway. I didn't even say hello, I just grabbed her in my arms and proceeded to kiss her for the next few minutes until she finally pulled away.

"I'm sorry Clare…I just missed you." I said softly.

"It's okay Eli, I needed that too." She smiled up at me, which caused me to wrap her in my arms yet again.

We sat down on my bed and she softly picked up my hand.

"We'll get through this together, Eli." She said.

"I hope so. But at this point, I'm starting to have a lot of doubts." I said.

"Well, I know one thing thing you can't doubt at all." Clare said brightly.

"What is that?" I asked.

"That I love you." She said, and she squeezed my hand.

I tilted her chin up and looked into her eyes.

"I love you, too." I said softly.

She leaned in to kiss me, and a few minutes later, all troubles were forgotten.

A knock on my door shook us out of our bliss.

"Eli, Clare are you guys ready?" My Mom called out.

"We'll be down in a minute!" I called back.

I was ready to face this. Good or bad, schizophrenic or not, I knew I could make it, as long as I had Clare.


	6. All Falls Down

Everything was white, right down to the white couch I was currently sitting on with my parents and Clare. The Psychiatrist was a tall woman with short hair. She seemed friendly enough, but my stomache was still a tight ball of nerves. Clare squeezed my hand softly and I relaxed a little bit.

"Hello Eli, I'm Dr. Meadows. I'll be your Psychiatrist from now until you're better." She smiled.

"But..you have no proof yet that anything is wrong." I said.

"Well, you've shown tremendous symptoms of schizophrenia, but we're going to do some tests to be sure." She said.

"Okay. What first?" I asked.

"We're going to check for any abnormalities in your brain waves." She said.

I exchanged an odd look with Clare. I didn't like the thought of anything hooked up to my brain. It made me feel like a guinea pig, or worse, a rat in a cage.

I hesitated, but before I could speak Dr. Meadows already was.

"I promise this procedure is one hundred percent safe. We've done it on hundreds of kids your age, and it really helps when determining mental diseases." She said with a smile.

"Alright.." I said still hesitant.

"Follow me then." She said.

Clare squeezed my hand one final time and I got up from the couch to follow the Doctor into a small room outside of the office.

The room was divided into two small sections. The first half of the room consisted of a cot, a device with lots of wires, and a chair. The second half of the room was behind a glass wall, and that had tons of computers and machinery.

I took a deep breath and looked at Dr. Meadows. She told me to lie down on the cot as she attached wires to my fingertips and different parts of my head. She continued to reassure me, but nothing she said helped. I finally decided to focus my thoughts on the girl waiting for me when I came out of this, when I proved I wasn't sick.

Maybe they would find something physically wrong, like a tumor.

Is it odd that I secretly hoped I had a tumor, just so I wouldn't be labeled as mentally ill?

I closed my eyes and focused my thoughts on Clare. In the distance, I heard the machines whirr and buzz to life, and prayed that nothing was really wrong.

While I layed there, I dozed.

_I was back in the forest, only this time Adam wasn't with me, and as far as I knew this was nothing I had ever experienced. The trees were still, the animals were quiet and nothing moved. The silence was like a blanket slowly suffocating me to death. I opened my mouth to yell, only to see her, yet again. Julia stood before me, beautiful in her white gown._

"_Elii…you killed me…you killed me..you killed me.." Julia's voice echoed throughout the trees._

_Again, I tried frantically to explain, to explain to Julia the night she died. She wasn't listening._

"_Eli…how..can..you..replace…me.." she breathed._

"_Julia..I loved you, but you're gone now..and I've got to move on." I nearly shouted._

"_Eli…this isn't over…" she spoke._

"_What isn't over Julia? You're dead! You're gone! I've moved on! I love Clare!" I screamed._

"_Why can't you just leave me be!" I reached out to try and push past her, to run into the forest, but I felt nothing, and then she was gone._

_I looked down at my hands and saw the blood running like a stream from my left wrist. I reached out to touch it.._

I awoke suddenly screaming, and the room began to spin.

"JULIA WHY CAN'T YOU LEAVE ME BE!" I screamed.

Dr. Meadows rushed in the room and grabbed my wrists.

"Eli! I turned the machine off, your brain waves were skyrocketing! That's one of the biggest symptoms of mental disease, but everything is going to be just fine. We'll give you medicine and you can lead a fairly normal life…"

I didn't let her finish. I shoved her out of my way, and ripped all the cords from me.

I looked down at my wrist, searching for the blood I knew had to be there. Nothing was there but scratch marks that were welting and turning a bright pink.

Dr. Meadows had grabbed me from behind and was pulling me back to the table.

"I'M NOT CRAZY LET ME GO!" I shoved and kicked and finally pulled myself out of her grip. I did the only thing I could think of, I ran. I ran out the door and down the hallway, past Clare and my parents, past the shocked faces of the Doctor's and Nurse's. Just as I was about to run out the door free, something blocked my way, and just as quickly, my vision went black, and I fell.


	7. Truth

'_Eli. I love you. Why did you leave me?"_

_I struggled to awake from this nightmare that was flashing behind my eyelids. I struggled to open my eyes but something kept them closed. Julia's beautiful face flashed through my mind. I knew it was her, whispering to me, calling to me with her siren song to lead me to my watery grave._

My eyes finally opened and the nightmare faded to a fragment of memory.

I felt cold, like I was in a freezer. I tried to sit up but something held me down. Slowly the events of the past few hours dawned on me.

The memories, the dreams, the freak out at my appointment.

I didn't need to be told what they did, I knew. The large orderly had grabbed me before I ran out the door.

While the two of them held me down, Dr. Meadows had sedated me. As I quickly fell asleep, they had transferred to me to a mental hospital ten minutes away. I knew this was a mental asylum by the sights, sounds, everything.

That usual hospital smell hung in the air mixed with metal and fear. I looked around me. I was in a small room with a table, light and a few cabinets. I could raise my head enough to see I was strapped to the table at my wrists and ankles.

All my emotions seemed to hit me at once, and the strongest of them all was the desire to see Clare.

It was more than a desire, it was a need. There was no way I was getting through this without her.

A small, silent tear escaped my left eye, whether for fear or the unknown or the fact that deep inside of me I knew I had screwed up one to many times, and Clare wasn't coming back.

Dr. Meadows walked in the room. She looked sad, as if having to sedate me hurt her somehow. I didn't know why it could possibly bother her, when she's probably sedated bigger weirdos than me.

"Eli, I know you realize and are aware of what happened. That's a good start. However, it's also another sign. Your random impulses and changes of attitude indicate that you need serious controlled treatment and medication. You'll be staying here at Shutter Hill Mental Hospital for awhile. You'll get better, Eli, I promise. But the first step to getting better is acknowledging the truth. We ran some tests while you were asleep."

"Eli, you have schizophrenia."

The word sounded in my head like a loud alarm.

"So..the visions..they aren't real?" I asked slowly.

"No Eli, they aren't real. Your disease is making you imagine them." Dr. Meadows said softly.

walked over to the table. She unlocked the restraints and helped me to my feet. We walked down a long hallway with a series of numbered doors every few feet. The last door was already open. She led me through it to a small room with a bathroom, bed, and a desk.

"This is your new room, Eli. Your Mother dropped off your things, and she said she would be back tomorrow to visit."

Dr. Meadows shut the door behind her and walked out.

I ran to the door, intending to chase after, because I had so many questions left unanswered.

I tugged at the door only find out it was not only locked, but the door was the heavy kind you see on tv that hold the criminally insane in their cell.

"What am I? Some kind of Monster?" I screamed, to no one in particular.


	8. Sick Little Games

As soon as I was sure I was alone, I picked up my stuff and threw it, as hard as I could against the door. Clothes went everywhere, along with various other items.

I anxiously paced my room, or my cell, as I liked to call it, while contemplating various ways to get out of this hell. I could pretend to be sane, and maybe be out in a few weeks. But a few weeks was still to long. Long enough to ruin everything, even though the back of my mind told me I didn't have anything left to ruin.

I finally sat down on my bed and did the one thing I promised myself I wouldn't do. I cried. I cried for what seemed like hours, but must have been somewhere around thirty minutes or so.

Dr. Meadows had came back to see me, and she took one look at my puffy eyes, and my belongings strewn across the room, and pulled a large bottle of pills out of her pocket.

She shook two large ones into her hand and handed them to me.

"Take these Eli. They help reduce your visions and calm your constant mood swings. Soon you will be taking them three times a day. I wasn't supposed to start you until tomorrow, but you look like you need them." She said.

I looked at the pills in disgust.

"I don't need those. I'm fine. I just need to see Clare." I said, probably a bit too harshly.

"You aren't stable enough yet, Eli. You don't want to hurt her now, do you?" Dr. Meadows said.

I felt the anger, shock and disbelief cloud over my face. My hands instinctively clenched into fists, and Dr. Meadows slyly reached for her needle.

"Now, Eli, You know what I meant. We can do this the easy way or the hard way. You choose." She said.

I didn't move. I stared at her, stared until I knew it would make her uneasy, and she would leave.

She laid the pills on my desk and locked my door behind her.

I stared at the pills like they had a disease. I didn't want them, not now, not over.

I looked through the rest of my bag, hoping they allowed me to keep my phone.

Inside my bag, I found a note from my Mom.

_Eli. I know this is hard for you, but this is the best thing for you right now. You know we love you, and just want you to get better. If we let this get worse, it could affect you for the rest of your life. I'll come see you tomorrow._

I turned the note over, looking for any mention of Clare.

There wasn't any.

Somehow I knew she had given up on me. She could do so much better. I didn't deserve her, not now, not ever. I wondered what I was supposed to do with all this free time. I knew sometime during the week they would be dragging me out of here for appointments and visits, and tutoring. Until then, I knew they were expecting me to get "settled." I again searched through my bag, hoping my Mom would have enough sense to throw in a book or something. Finally, at the bottom of the bag I found my copy of The Complete Works Of Poe. I opened to my favorite story, _The Murders In The Rue Morgue_ and began to read. When I grew tired of reading, I laid down on my bed and started to think. This was going to mess everything up. Not just Clare, but what about my future? Could you still be a Mortician if people thought you were crazy? I know that there was some serious proof I was crazy, but I just couldn't believe it. I must have pondered over my future for a long time, because when I finally looked at the clock, it was nine pm. I decided I would try to sleep.

As I finally began to drift off, I heard it. Soft at first, but gradually increasing.

"_Elii…I'm here."_

I squeezed my eyes shut, willed myself to sleep, and prayed I wouldn't see what I knew had to be there.

The whispers persisted, and I finally did the only thing I could.

"Julia! Why are you following me everywhere? Are you happy? Is this what you wanted? I'm locked in a mental hospital, my girlfriend,parents,friends,peers, they all think I'm crazy! I'm the talk of the school. All the happiness is gone from my life. Can't you just leave me alone now?" I screamed.

"_Eli..I am not finished.." _

"Finished with what Julia? I'm miserable. I'm never going to be happy again, at least not at this rate. I'm sorry about everything. I've told you that so many times. Now you're gone, and I have to move on. I loved you once, but that's the past now Julia. You've got to realize that. " I screamed.

Suddenly, my door slammed opened and two large orderlies in white coats ran in and jammed a needle into the inside of my arm.

I screamed, and screamed, but that just made them hold me down harder. Finally, I did that only thing left I knew I couldn't screw up. I cried. I cried for me, Clare, Julia, Adam, My Parents, and my life.

I cried myself to sleep, which came relatively fast thanks to the sedation.


	9. Wide Awake Clare POV!

Clare's POV.

Instability.

It was the only thing I've ever known. First Darcy leaves me, then KC cheats on me, then my parents divorce, and now Eli is slipping away. I thought that this year would be better for me. I thought things were going to change. Maybe this a sign, maybe my entire life will be like this, and God just wants me to get used to it. Or maybe this is just a test. If I can make it through all this, something so much better has to be waiting on the other side right?

Nothing is ever permanent, nothing good ever lasts. I should have known that the perfection I thought I had with Eli was temporary, a photograph slowly fading as the days and months passed.

I wasn't giving up though, not just yet. I may not have been able to save my parents, Darcy, or what I had with KC, but I was determined to save Eli. I was too involved now, and I loved him even if the feeling wasn't mutual. I knew I hadn't handled this in the best way so far, but from the very first time Eli said Julia's name, it was rejection all over again. All I could think of was the day KC told me he was leaving me for Jenna. I'd lost sleep many nights just wondering what I did wrong, and why nobody around me ever wanted to stay. I was scared. Scared that Eli had seen through my mask, and realized what a complete mess I truly was.

I wanted to visit Eli. Not just wanted, I needed too. He was the only thing I had left to cling too. I knew he was unstable, and possibly still in love with his dead ex-girlfriend, but he was all I had now.

I picked up the phone and dialed Eli's house number.

"Hello?" Mrs. Goldsworthy asked.

"Hi Mrs. G, I was wondering if you could give me the number to the hospital Eli is at?" I asked,

"Clare, honey, he's only been in there a few days, don't you think he should get settled first? We haven't even gone to visit him yet."

"I need to see him Mrs. G. I have to know that he's okay, or that he's going to be. I love him. He may not be stable, and he may not ever love me like he loved Julia, but he's still all that I have."

"Clare, you have your parents and your friends. Don't talk like that. Eli is going to be fine."

I knew she was trying to help, but I was slowly losing patience.

"Listen, Mrs. G. I'm going to visit him sooner or later, but for now, if you think it's best, I will wait. But please deliver this message to him. Tell him I'm not leaving, and that I love him. Please just do that for me?"

"Yes, Clare. I can do that for you. And you're right. You are the best thing Eli has ever had, and if you're going to stick with him, then you need to be involved in his recovery. After he's settled, you may come visit."

"Thanks Mrs. G." I said, as I hung up the phone.

I walked upstairs to my room, and tossed a quick hello over my shoulder to my Mom, but she didn't hear me. She was too busy staring at the bottle of Vodka sitting on the table. Alcohol was her family now, not me. When I reached my bedroom door, I opened it and sat down on my bed. I layed down on the sheets, and set my head softly on the pillow. I tried to sleep, but sleep was not easy for me these days. I missed Eli so much. I tried so hard to not think about him, but he was always there, lurking at the edge of my thoughts.

What if he didn't get better? What if they kept him there for years? Or what if he came back and didn't want me anymore?

All the negative thoughts raced through my mind. Finally, I did what I avoided most these days. I cried. I cried for Eli,Adam,Darcy,My parents, and most of all, for what I feared I had lost.

If only I knew at the time, that sitting alone in his cold room, Eli was crying for all the same reasons.


	10. Everything Happens For A Reason

*I finally finished this. I hope you guys enjoy my ending! I'm pretty proud of it. I'm sorry it took so long, I've been really busy and battling with how I wanted this to end. EClare may be currently not together on the show, but in my mind they are forever together. I do not own Degrassi or any characters. :)*

It had been weeks since I had last saw Clare. I was slowly progressing and finally beginning to acknowledge my diagnosis of schizophrenia.

I thought back on the last few weeks with a combination of emotions. Clare had been good for me at the time being, but was she really good for me now? Maybe I needed a break, not just from her, but from everything. Ever since Julia had left my life so suddenly, everything had been like chipped puzzle pieces, trying so hard to fit together but not quite working. I told myself that what I had with Clare was real, but now as the weeks passed and I didn't hear from her, I realized that maybe, after all, it was for the best. She had been there for me when I had needed her the most, and that was all I could ask. Even if we weren't meant to be, she still hadn't given up on me, and I owed her for that. It had also been weeks since I had had a delusion of Julia. She didn't haunt my dreams anymore, and the bags were slowly beginning to fade from my eyes. I needed to see Clare. I needed to make things right.

I pressed the small white button by my bedside table. It buzzed the nurses's station down the hallway.

"Yes, Eli, what do you need?" came a prim voice over the loudspeaker in my room.

"I need to make a phone call to my Mom. The number is 415-657-9833." I said.

"Your call will be connected in a few moments." The nurse replied.

I waited what seemed like long minutes, but was really only a few seconds of ringing. Finally, My Mom picked up.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Mom. It's Eli."

"Hi baby. How are you feeling?"

"Better..I'm getting a lot better, Mom. Really this time."

"That's good, honey. I'm so proud of you."

"What I called for though..Mom, I need to see Clare."

"She called me weeks ago wanting to see you, but I told her it wasn't the best idea right now. But if you think you're ready, I will arrange a visit tonight and bring her along. Are you sure you're ready to face this?"

"Yes, Mom, I'm ready. I need to see her. I need to look at her and not see Julia."

"I'll see you later tonight then, honey. I love you."

"I love you too, Mom."

Then the call was disconnected.

I thought about the conversation with my Mom, just then. So Clare hadn't given up on me. She had listened to my Mom about me needing space. I knew that I loved her, but I didn't know if I could handle a serious relationship so soon after everything that had happened to me these last few weeks. I wanted Clare more than I had ever wanted anyone, but I knew that I was like poison, causing her a slow and painful tread into pain, and I couldn't handle bringing any more stress to her life. I blamed myself still, for Julia's death. The Doctor's said that's part of the reason I saw her when I looked at Clare. They said I was so afraid to hurt Clare, I was seeing all my worst fears in the form of Julia.

I hated myself for the things I had put Clare through, but I wasn't going to give up. I just wanted her to forgive me. If she could do that, we could do anything.

The time passed fast waiting for Clare and my Mom. Finally, I felt a presence at the heavy door that led into my room, and in walked a nurse, my Mom, and following timidly behind them, was Clare.

"Hey Eli. You have some visitors. Thirty minutes and I will be back to escort them out, okay?" said the nurse.

I nodded, but my gaze never left Clare's.

"I need some water. I'll be right back." My Mom said, and she followed the nurse out my door, letting it fall shut with a heavy clank that even after so many weeks here still seemed to make me cringe.

"Hey, Eli." Clare said softly.

She walked over to my bed and sat down next to me on it. She softly placed her hands on mine and looked into my eyes.

"How are you feeling?" she asked.

"So much better now, Clare. I'm on medicine, and I'm getting help. I feel like I can do anything now." I said.

"I'm so happy for you. I wanted to come Eli, I called your Mom and I tried, but she said you needed time alone to work through this. But I never forget about you." She said, tears beginning to form in her crystal blue eyes.

"Don't cry, Clare. I know. Time apart was good for us. I got to sort things out and set my priorities straight." I said, gripping her hands in mine.

"Am..I..one of those priorities?" Clare asked, looking down at our hands.

"Of course you are." I said, tilting her chin up to look in her eyes.

"I will never leave you. No matter what happens, even if you relapse, even if everything falls apart as soon as the words are out of my mouth. I love you." Clare said, passion making her voice stronger.

"I know. I love you 're stuck with me, Clare." I said, smirking at her.

"You're stuck with me, too." She said.

She leaned across the bed and kissed me. It was soft at first, but progressed into a kiss that was more passionate than any we had ever shared before. It was so many things that we couldn't say right now, and full of promises I knew that we both could keep. The kiss erased all doubts and all fear. I knew in my heart and my mind, that this was everything I had been searching for my entire life, that I had never found, not even with Julia. Julia would always be a part of me, because for a time she was everything I thought I needed in life.

Tragedy is unavoidable. It happens to everyone, and it strikes at the most inconvient times. But from tragedy, I found love. It's like a rainbow after a thunderstorm, and standing in the middle of trees with broken branches, but all you can see is the hope, in several different colors spreading across the sky.

From the corner of my eye, I saw her for the last time. Julia was standing in the corner of my room, her white dress almost blending in with the walls in my room. She wasn't dirty, or unhappy this time. She was smiling, and a golden light was radiating off her skin. She spoke and even though I knew there was no sound in the room, I heard her message loud and clear.

"_I forgive you. Now go be happy."_

Was I ever crazy, or was she really there the whole time? I would never know.

She faded away into nothing, and when I blinked, there was nothing there but the standard paint of an asylum. When I broke the kiss, I looked deep into Clare's eyes, and for the first time since that fateful day when I lost everything, I found it all again in her eyes. When I closed them, I no longer saw the eyes of Julia. I saw the blue eyes of hope,desire,love,patience,kindess,virtue, and most of all, the blue eyes of Clare.


End file.
